Tag Archives: Satire

Maharashtra government plans restrictions on horn, attracts sharp criticism.

Pune, Satire News, September 28, 2015: The Maharashtra government yesterday revealed the possibilities of measuring the amount of sound that a car’s horn makes and to put a limit on it. After banning the writing of the iconic phrase “Horn OK Please” behind the trucks in Maharashtra last May, the state government seems to be in a serious mission to HORNbanminimize sound pollution in its cities.

While attending a press conference here in Pune, a state transport official said that the government is mulling over the possibility of measuring the amount of sound that a vehicle’s horn makes each day. If this exceeds the maximum permissible amount of sound, a fine will be imposed on the driver of the vehicle. Refusing to comment about how they are planning to implement this rule, the official said, “This is still an idea. We are researching on the various aspects of it, and as soon as we arrive at a conclusion, you shall come to know.”

This proposition has, however, attracted sharp criticism from the opposition and a section of the citizens. The leader of opposition, Raul Gandi said that it is yet another example of how the ruling party is exploiting the farmers. “This is a government of cars. We need a government of bullocks, of plows, of farms, of water, of RTI, of woman empowerment. We do not need this government of suits and boots.” Mr. Gandi added.

While attending a rally in protest of politicization of FTII, the political leader Yoga Yadav said that it is a sheer violation of personal liberty. “The government is again stepping on our toes. Meat ban, Horn OK Please ban, and now horn ban? This ban culture should not be encouraged at any cost. I am flabbergasted at this atrocious behavior of the government. It must be condemned in the strongest way possible.”

The All Arobindo Party chief Mr. Arobindo Paltuwal took to Twitter to express his dissatisfaction over this issue – “Please let us honk; we are honking well. BTW, #KKPK is fun!” he tweeted.

We spoke to citizens from many areas of the city to know their reaction. While the senior citizens welcomed this move as a radical solution to the raising problem of noise pollution and impatient drivers, the younger generation is visibility upset with the news. “Why do you think I installed this 10 sound horn in my Activa? What the F***, bro!?” A youth yelled.

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This is a satirical post, and of course, a work of fiction. You are not that dumb, are you?

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FM channel plays for 15 minutes without a break, takes the city by storm

Pune: On its inaugural day today, a Pune based FM radio channel, Radio Revolution, took the city by storm when it played back to back songs for 15 minutes. While the employees of the city’s IT companies, who travel each day by their office cabs, welcomed the move by the channel and vowed to provide all the support it needs, Pune owners of the radio stations (POTRS) threatened to take action against the channel for violating Radio Neutrality.

When we asked Mahesh Garg, an employee of one of City’s renowned IT company, he said, “As usual, I took the office cab today and stuffed my earphones to avoid the irritating radio. At first, I thought people were happy because it’s a Friday, but soon I realized the sensation- the FM channel is not playing any advert for 15 minutes! Can you believe it?! Whole 15 minutes! And the RJs didn’t speak an English-accented Marathi; they in fact spoke in the same language, instead of using 3 languages in one sentence. It is phenomenal. We all are planning to listen to Radio Revolution for the whole day to show our support. We’ll also take the complaint back, which we had submitted to the HR department to remove FM receivers from office cabs.”

Similar euphoria was seen among the cab drivers too. “They (the employees) shout at us to turn off the radio. Today they told us to even make it louder. I’m going to install two more woofers,” said Gangaram Dhotre, popularly known as Dada.

Among all the hysteria about Radio Revolution, Mr. Bhagwan Jain, president of POTRS told us that the association is going to submit a memorandum to the central I&B minister. “This is a violation of Radio Neutrality. They must broadcast at least 30 ads in 15 minutes, and speak 3 languages- Marathi, Hindi, and English- all in the same sentence. They must keep these standards. If they continue this practice, we’ll start a massive protest against this channel. We’ve already started an online petition in change.org to ban this channel. Once we have enough signatures, we’ll submit the same to the central minister of I&B. This is no joke. Nobody can just come and steal our business.”

Radio Revolution has not yet provided any official statement. Going by their punchline- entertainment unlimited- this whole issue is sure to provide some good entertainment in the coming days.

BREAKING: After Bangladesh, Assam to give away its land to Nagaland, Arunachal Pradesh, and Meghalaya

Guwahati: In a press conference here today, Chief Minister Tarun Gogoi congratulated the central government and expressed his gratitude for making the Indo-Bangladesh land deal a reality. “We already have a significant number of Bangladeshi people in Assam. Their contribution to the Assamese society- our culture, population, jobs, economy- is immense. It’s time we acknowledge their contribution, and hand over the land they want. Personally, I do not believe in borders. We should do away with these borders; they create a lot of trouble. Also, the Bangladeshi people are soon expected to become the majority of population in Assam. Hence, the most sensible thing to do in such a situation is to hand over the land to Bangladesh and let them do what they want.” Mr. Gogoi said.

Several political and nationalist organizations carried out rallies to protest the land deal. One organization has already called for Assam bandh, while the others wait for their turn. Commenting on the protests, Mr. Gogoi said, “They are not getting the true meaning of this deal. And no, it was not formulated by the BJP government. It was a dream of the Congress party to hand over Assam to Bangladesh. In the process, we have already invited so many Bangladeshi people to Assam. We provided them all the support they needed, we helped them rehabilitate. It was a process in progress. When the new government came to power in the center, they too initially didn’t realize the big picture. Thankfully, after a lot of coaxing, they finally understood how important it is to handover Assam’s land to Bangladesh. It is the only solution to the “Bangladeshi Problem”, citing which many people did politics in the state. But no party could come up with any solution. The BJP is merely implementing what we had formulated. It’s time for the truth, no more politicization of a non-issue.”Current map of Assam

On asking how he plans to tackle the other border disputes in the state, the Chief Minister said, “This deal has opened new doors to us. We must embrace the changes and proceed in peace and harmony to resolve all the disputes with our neighboring states. Since a long time we are facing violent land disputes at the Jorhat – Nagaland border where the Naga people want to occupy certain areas of Assam. That area is very near to my birthplace, and it pains me to see the people fight and suffer over these unfortunate disputes. In the past, we have also seen land disputes with Arunachal Pradesh and Meghalaya. Our government is committed to the people of Assam, and it’s painful to see them suffering. Therefore, we have drafted a proposal to the central government that we want to give away the entire land of Assam to the neighboring states in a first come first serve basis. Apart from Arunachal Pradesh, Nagaland, and Meghalaya, we will also request the West Bengal government to claim the western part of Assam.”

Talking about the strategy for the 2016 elections, Mr. Gogoi said, “There is no need for any strategy. The people of Assam know that we are the only party working to resolve their problems. One of the founding principles of A.G.P was to resolve the Bangladesh problem. Could they do anything? No. Even the BJP did not have any clue about how to resolve the problem. It is only because of the foresightedness and brilliance of the Congress leaders that today we have achieved such an exemplary solution to the long standing problem of Assam. We will come to power again. I’ll not leave until we are done giving away all the lands and dissolve Assam. I’ll be the last Chief Minister of Assam. That is also an important matter.”

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This is a satirical article, written to present some burning issues of Assam on a lighter note. This is not intended to demean any person, party, or any institution/system in any manner.

To hell and back

It felt like as if I had woken up from the deepest slumber. I was not able to see anything, it was pitch dark. I somehow saw a faint light at a distance. I started to walk towards it. Then I started running. The light seemed to be getting away and away. Finally I reached the source- a  room that looked pretty much like one of the conference rooms of our office. I meekly knocked on the door. “Come in”, answered a heavy voice. When I pushed opened the door, I saw a Morgan Freeman look-alike gentleman sitting behind a desk, in a perfect white suit, eyes fixed to a MacBook Pro.

“Any problem, son?”

“Where am I? And who are you?”

He smiled and said, “Welcome to Hell! I am Yamraj’s PA.”

The man got up from his chair and started walking towards me.

“I look after the place and address the grievances of the residents. Coming to how you came here, well, you were caught in a road accident last night. You were driving drunk. Your friend Siddharth also died with you. I am sorry!”

“Horrible! Where is Sid?”

The man pulled a chair for me. He sat on the table.

“He went to heaven.”

“What the… but why? Don’t you keep a track of HIS sins?”

“It is management’s decision. You are not supposed to question management’s decision. You see, Chitragupta keeps track of your deeds on earth, then he has a meeting with my boss Yamraj, and finally I am given the list of people coming here. Nothing personal. You can very well go and have a word with my boss. But if it backfires, do not blame me! You could do better, son. Come on, you have worked in private IT companies. You KNOW the golden rule- obey and oblige!”

“Stop son-ing me!” I was agitated “This is not fair! Just because Sid lights up some incense sticks  every morning, does not wash away his sins! There must be some way! I can not rot like this in hell!”

The Morgan Freeman smiled, “Cool down, Mr “Anna” Baruah! Don’t be a kid. Acceptance makes everyone’s life easy. Utter one more word, and you will be locked out. Decide for yourself!”

“Everyone on earth commits some or the other sin. So have I. But otherwise I had been a good man throughout. I have never done bad to anyone. I was probably the most compassionate guy around! What about morality and all? I should be heard! This is injustice!”

“Being Morally or whatever-the-way right does not work. Being diplomatic does. Being hypocritical does. You should have obeyed, my friend. Stop reasoning now! It’s too late. And I’d appreciate if you do not waste any more time of mine. I need to send your assessment report to my boss. Be good. Be nice. Take the first door on the left and you will see the Hell Resources department. They’ll explain you the policies and code of conduct here. Good luck!”

I heard a very familiar music. It’s the IPL Stadium ringtone! Yeah, I know it.

“Switch it off!”

“Huh?”

“Your phone. Alarm. Switch it off.”

I saw the missus tucking herself in and rolling over to the other side of the bed.

“For God’s sake! Switch off your alarm on Sundays!” she murmured.

Love in the time of Torrents.

As I was searching for the file,

Google gave me a broken URL.

Lost labor, furiousness, and dissatisfaction,

I searched for another file to install in my system.

When I came across your Torrent link,

Happy as hell, I laughed and I winked.

You seeded the file,

And some more I smiled.

Least I saw the evil grin on your face,

I was busy customizing the Windows Installer interface.

When it was installed and ran for the first time,

I did all the best configuration to perform for the longest run.

Some people had advised,

I should have checked for malicious code.

But you know, when you need it so bad,

All you look for is just a crack.

Everything was fine,

Until my system crashed after a short while.

Now I whine and cry,

But there’s no Restore Point that I can try.

Badly I need my system to run,

Now I will have to look for another ISO to burn.