Tag Archives: Ramblings

Changes

I knew that this day would come. Maybe this is how it happens. The oblivious you run straight into it – this phase of life. I reflected on many things, after I was hit hard by the realization. And the trigger for all these realizations was the fact that I now have a preference for a shampoo. I was astounded.

I was the guy who can’t tell a conditioner from a shampoo, who have even applied baby shampoo a couple of times. We even had conversations like,

: My hair feels different today!

: What did you apply?

: Shampoo! (Duh!)

: Which bottle? Show me.

: There..that one.

: That’s a conditioner! or That’s the baby’s! Can’t you read labels?!

From there it became: “Hey! I think we should get the other shampoo. I don’t like it that much. The previous one was better.”

That’s a significant change, you see.

These are just symptoms. So I went back and back and back to do a root-cause analysis. It took me all the way back to the morning a couple of years ago when I was wearing a Jimi Hendrix T-shirt at home that read “Wild thing.” And this friend, who had stayed over after a house party, quipped – it should now read “Domesticated thing.” I think that’s the starting. The root-cause. I was in denial.

The change had started a few years ago. At least 3 years, I guess. Otherwise why on earth would I ever quit smoking?! My friends still don’t believe me when I say that I haven’t been smoking for 3 years. I don’t blame them. I used to joke – when I die, I should still have a packet of cigarettes under my pillow. Good old days! I was even thinking to quit alcohol this year. The missus went berserk- are you crazy! You are already boring enough. That’s the only thing that remains of the old person that you were.

No, she did not exactly said those words; but when I told her my intentions, she bought me a good drink instead. Some things are conveyed beyond words.

While all these things were happening with and around me, I was still searching within. Probing. Then I told myself one plausible cause of all this – I am now a father. We are now parents. We must get our shit stuff together. Was that a good euphemism? Damn it.

420

It’s Friday night again. Time is flying. Joy thought, carefully flicking the ash off his smoke.

Joy looked at his wife. She is lying on the couch, blissfully playing her favorite game on her phone. He suddenly felt a strong rush of love for this woman. He smiled and let out a soft sigh.

Joy made some space for himself by his wife on the couch. She placed her head on his lap. He gently rubbed her forehead while surfing the channels on the TV. She looked at him, squinted her eyes, smiled at him, blew a kiss on the air, rolled on the couch, and continued playing. Stupidity on TV.

Joy is not an IPL animal, but this season he is following IPL. The Pune matches, to be precise. He is supporting Pune – his home team, and today Pune is playing against Chennai. Interesting match, Joy thought. Then he thought about Chennai. He has never been to Chennai, but he hates the city more than any city in India. He does not need to justify his hatred for anything or anyone. Does he? He tried to concentrate on the match.

“What do you think of rebirth?” Joy asked obliviously.

“Eh?”

“No, I mean, you take another birth, start the life afresh…”

“You are stoned!”

“No, seriously. Birth, childhood, adolescence, the stupid teen, study, job hunt, marriage… work-life balance, and that eternal question – want more money on the paycheck or want to spend more time with family? There can’t be one simple answer for that question, can it?”

“What’s your point?”

“Isn’t it absurd that we always want to go to the future, I mean to grow up fast and then cry about the days gone by? While in school, I desperately wanted to be in college. Once in college, I desperately wanted to get out of that place and get a job! But now I wish I could go back to the school or the college days! Life was so simple!”

“Hmmm”

“Look at the TV. Right now I want to be that old man in that ad. See, when you are that old, you don’t have anything to worry about. Whatever was there for you, has already happened. Now enjoy your life and count your days. That should be fun!”

“Are you too stressed? What’s the matter, honey? Come, hug me.” She stopped playing and put her phone on the table.

“No, I am just saying.”

“Then it must be the smoke!” She laughed.

“Have you heard that joke?”

“Which joke?”

“I agree that alcohol does not solve any problem, but it surely does help you forget the question!” Joy laughed hysterically.

~~~~~~~~

PS: It is April 20th – 4/20. Rings a bell? No?

Killing yourself to live

Last night I slept bad, and woke up to a gloomy, depressing, winter morning. I was, of course, not feeling good about anything. But again, staying back at home makes no sense. The more time I spend with myself, the more depressing it gets. And we are machines after all. Routine. I dragged myself to the bathroom.

After I reached office, however, there were something that made me happy. The sun also came up. I felt good. I got all geared up for another long, busy day. No, I am not complaining. I am away from any satire or sarcasm today.

Then all of a sudden I came to know about someone I know of, trying to kill herself. Not that I have not seen people trying to kill themselves, or actually killing themselves. I have seen them. Not one, not two. Much more than that. I was a believer too. Believer of the thought – don’t like it? Is it taking too much? End it! Why suffer?

But then I grew up a little more. And when you do, things change. Perspectives change. Thoughts change. Then I started hating the very idea of killing oneself. That is, suicide. Now it disturbs me beyond limits. Though I am still in favor of euthanasia. Kind of.

Talking about suicides, who am I to write things off like this? Of course, unless it is a college kid who popped too many pills last night, or slit his or her wrist because someone rejected their “love”. No. That kid should be bitch slapped and taught what life is. That can never be acceptable. But then, when one person, one grown up person decides to end this life? Under what circumstances a man can kill his infant, his wife, and himself? Under what circumstances a mother can kill her children? Under what circumstances a well-employed person decides to throw himself off the roof? Life is strange. Some questions can never be answered.

The only point I am trying to  make is to hold on. What I learnt is, life is too big to end like this. Life is like a giant ball with happiness and sorrow painted on its two halves. We need both the halves to make it complete. And the ball keeps rolling all the time. But we, somehow, can control the speed of the ball at which it rotates. When we have the sorrow side, let’s take some effort and make it roll to the other side. I know, I am blabbering too much. I am just trying to say this simple thing – let’s live.